CARLA FITZGERALD
Carla Fitzgerald found out she was pregnant after splitting up with her boyfriend
The coronavirus outbreak has created different anxieties for pregnant women as they face uncertainty over how they will give birth and who will be there with them. But for Carla Fitzgerald, 28, it’s been a double hit, as she split from her boyfriend before discovering she was carrying their child.
The first-time mum, who lives alone in Paignton, Devon, then went into self-isolation when the pandemic broke out, depriving her of her support network of family and friends.
From being torn over whether to keep the baby to now being seven months pregnant, the Premier Inn receptionist explains how lockdown has made her a stronger person.
‘I thought I couldn’t have kids’
Carla Fitzgerald
The baby’s sex is not known to Carla, who wants it to be a surprise
I’d given up on the dream of having my own children. Doctors suspected I suffered from polycystic ovary syndrome, so when I was late, I didn’t think too much of it.
But then I woke up from my sleep and felt the urge to take a test. I followed my intuition.
I was alone as I’d split from my boyfriend, and my family and friends are back in Somerset.
I paced up and down my self-contained studio flat and waited for the result for what seemed an eternity. One line for negative, two for positive.
What would I do? I knew nothing about parenting. Would I be able to support both myself and the baby?
The test was positive. It was like a rug had been pulled from under my feet. It just wasn’t what I’m used to seeing. I burst into tears and thought ‘what the hell am I going to do?’
By then I was already seven weeks pregnant. I had that urge to say no to it. But I thought: ‘This baby is a real gift. What if I don’t get another chance? What if I regret not having it my whole life?’
‘I don’t want to let my baby down’
Carla Fitzgerald
Carla is really missing her mum, who works in a hospital
Six months later, the whole country is quarantined and I have to self-isolate.
It was a double hit; first the break-up, then accepting that I would have to grapple with this strange experience entirely alone. But I reminded myself this baby is a miracle and clung on to that.
It’s about finding your way through it. I just pulled in all my resources to kind of keep me afloat because the only person I’ve got is me and if I let myself down, then I let my baby down, so I just needed to keep going.
I am now on my 29th week and the baby’s growth is spot on. It loves to kick, especially late at night and early in the morning. I shower as that seems to calm it down. I want to keep the sex a surprise so it makes labour a bit more exciting.
It does get lonely at times, I’m not going to lie, and once you’re done with breakfast you’re left wondering what to do with the rest of the day.
I wish my mum and dad could be here to share this all with me. I can’t see my mum as she is a hospital maternity care assistant, while my dad suffers from asthma. I hear from them over the phone and it’s weird because it’s like they’re here – but then they’re not.
The prospect of my mum not being allowed to be with me when I give birth is daunting. But I try to gently push that thought away as it does no good for me or the baby.
I’m trying to live in the now. I need to breathe and take it as it comes.
‘I love the smell of bleach’
Carla Fitzgerald
Carla can’t see her dad either because he has asthma
I have a fixed routine now. Every morning I wake up and meditate for about 15 to 20 minutes. Then I soak my face in warm water so I wake up.
I don’t have any cravings but I noticed I clean all the time because I love the smell of the kitchen bleach, which reminds me of swimming pools.
I am reinventing myself during lockdown. I had so many plans, to attend hypnobirth classes and mingle with other mums whilst doing yoga and other activities to prepare for this new human.
But all that has been taken away from me so I’m now reading e-books on hypnobirth and taking Zoom Pilates lessons instead. The meet-ups with other parents have moved to a WhatsApp group where we can share our feelings, wobbles, tips, routines and hopes for the future.
‘The sea takes me away from it all’
Carla Fitzgerald
Carla is very grateful to her neighbours, who shop for her
The fear of contracting the virus while pregnant never leaves me – I can’t think of anything worse. I literally have to survive on sending my work colleagues or neighbours to get a food shop for me or take me to my antenatal appointments.
I am so grateful for them.
When I do go for a walk I carry my bump to Paignton pier and up to the beach in Preston, which is secluded and safe. I stand by the sea and take it all in.
I feel the sun on my skin, listen to the waves coming in and hope the baby can hear them too. The sea takes me away from it all and I feel free.
I do think what it will be like coming back home and it being just me and the baby.
I 100% try to overcompensate for his or her dad not being around. I know I’ll never be able to replace him, but what I can do is try my very best to be as supportive as I can. I wonder how it will all play out but somewhere inside me echoes: “You can do this.”
In a way I feel like I wouldn’t have been able to withstand the lockdown if I wasn’t pregnant. It has given me a focus. It’s not about me any more, I have to drop that ball and think about what is best for both of us.
I can’t wait to hold my child against me and feel what it’s like to share such a bond of unconditional love.
As told to Claire Gilbody-Dickerson
Carla Fitzgerald
